Florida Today

Those friendly skies can be bumpy

March 11, 2003

“Around the World in a Bad Mood” is coming to The King Center, and I can’t wait.

As a former flight attendant (no not a stewardess) I can really relate. As I was reading the press release, funny and scary memories started pouring back to me.

I promised myself I would become a flight attendant before I turned 30. Well, I spent my 30th birthday in flight school. Believe it or not, I wasn’t the oldest one in the class, but close. Training was a breeze compared to what followed. In those days (the late ’80s) you had to be a certain weight, height and have the “flight attendant” looks, which meant big hair and certainly no gray. Unfortunately, I had plenty of that, so the trainers proceeded to dye my hair black. Ugh. My mother didn’t even recognize me at the graduation ceremony.

My first flight was a fiasco. When the crew found out it was my first, they had a field day with me. Not only was I scared to death of making a mistake, but they tried everything possible to get me to mess up.

As I was standing at the front of the plane presenting the safety demonstration, people starting laughing. I had opened the safety booklet that is in the seat-back pocket and pointed to the information when someone yelled, “How cheap?” I ignored it. Later I learned my co-workers had posted a sign inside that read, “For a cheap date, call Diane.”

As I demonstrated opening the seat belt, a fine powdery substance fell down the front of my new black uniform, turning it gray. (I found out later it was crushed peanuts.) And this was only the beginning of a four-day trip, with one uniform.

The next demonstration was the oxygen mask. As I dropped the yellow mask from the overhead compartment, placed it to my face and pulled the elastic band around my head, I knew I was in trouble. The crew had smeared mustard on the mask, which left a neat circle all around my mouth.

I was in tears just as the captain came on the intercom and asked the cabin to welcome the newest addition to the Piedmont Airlines staff. At least that made the tears look like I was happy, not embarrassed.

My second trip was less embarrassing and more exciting. I had my first irate passenger. His seat assignment was not beside his companion, and that made him mad.

Being a sweet Southern girl, I thought I could talk the gentlemen into settling down, but boy was I wrong. The first thing I knew, my back was plastered up against the fuselage ceiling. He had picked me up by my uniform lapels and lifted me up as to throw me away. All I remember was hearing the crew yelling for the captain. Luckily, we were still at the gate, so the passenger was ejected from the plane. (I would have liked to have ejected him from the plane at 30,000 feet.)

Another trip ended a bit scary. After landing in Elmira, N.Y., on a small twin-engine commuter plane, I commented to the captain that the flight was the most violent and bumpy one I had experienced. He showed me why. The wind sheer was so intense, the entire left side of the fuselage’s skin had been peeled back like the lid of a sardine can. Needless to say, I was very happy we were then grounded in Elmira, even though I had never heard of the city. I had to ask myself whether this was the career I really wanted.

There were many opportunities to see the world. The problem is, you really want to sleep in your own bed, not another one in a hotel, when you are off duty

After a few more mishaps, I decided to ground myself. I knew I had kept my promise to become a flight attendant, and after two years in the air, it was time to proceed to the next adventure.

Oh, and on my last flight, I proved paybacks can be, well, paybacks. I played the same pranks on new recruit that had been played on me.

Diane Gray’s latest career adventure is as news assistant and right arm for the Florida Today features department.

Photo courtesy Diane Gray

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